Fall From Heaven
by Courtney2
Summary: Another birthday has Jake rethinking the choices she's made in her life.


Title: Fall From Heaven  
Author: Courtney  
Email: courtneystovall@yahoo.com  
Rating: PG-13  
Category: Jake/Hamilton  
Disclaimer: Not mine, blah, blah, blah. The title is from the Evan and Jaron song, 'I Could Fall.'  
Summary: Another birthday has Jake rethinking the choices she's made in her life.  
Author's Note: Well, I've been reading all the J/H fic that has them living happily ever after and it got me to   
thinking that real life doesn't always turn out so perfect. So, here's my version of Jake and Ham's not-so-  
perfect fairytale.  
Thanks: To Sue! Thank you for always being around to let me bounce ideas off you and for always giving   
me great advice. You're the best!  
-------------------------------------  
  
She stood in the shower under the hot spray and closed her eyes as the water burned down her   
body. It felt good; so good it almost hurt. She'd always been more of a shower person. Occasionally she   
liked to take a long, hot bath . . . but not often. Usually she was content to stand in the shower until the   
water ran cold and just be alone; just her and the steam and the sound of the water bouncing off the tile.   
It was relaxing. She'd never get tired of this particular luxury.   
  
It was a great place to think, too. The shower, that is. She'd done a lot of thinking in this particular   
shower, actually. Recently she felt like she had a lot more to think about than ever. Why was that, she   
wondered? There was a time when she had stood in this shower and felt happy, content . . . where had   
that feeling gone? Why was it suddenly replaced by uncertainty and doubt? That wasn't what she wanted.   
That wasn't the life she wanted to live. That was just how things had turned out and she could do nothing   
but stand in the shower and wonder where it all went wrong.   
  
When the water finally ran cold, as it always did sooner or later, she turned off the faucet and   
leaned her cheek against the cool ceramic tile. The cold was a stark contrast to the heat of the steam that   
still swirled around her and it sent a chill through her body. She didn't want to leave the shower. In here,   
everything felt like it might still have a chance to work itself out. In here, life was simple; consisting of only   
her and her thoughts. Why did she have to leave and rejoin the rest of the world? She didn't want to, not   
yet.   
  
With a sigh, she finally lifted her face from the tile wall and pulled back the plastic curtain. Her feet   
touched the terrycloth of the navy blue bathmat just outside the tub and she finally left behind the world   
where only she existed. It was time to get back to reality.  
  
Today was her birthday. She was thirty years old today. She wasn't quite sure why, but she felt   
depressed by that number. It wasn't because she thought of herself as "old" or anything like that. She'd   
never understood why people felt old at thirty. Life wasn't even half over yet. Besides, at thirty you were   
just leaving behind all the struggle of youth and finally setting out on the life you'd been working towards .   
. . right? That was the goal, anyway. She wondered if that were true for her as well.   
  
How long had it been since she had been happy? Not too many birthdays had gone by since she   
had looked forward to the next one. She used to love her life and she cherished living it, not paying any   
mind to the age on her driver's license. When had things changed so much?  
  
Maybe it happened when she was 24, on her wedding day. But she'd felt happy at the time. Or   
maybe it had been when she was 26, when she became a mother. But nothing had ever made her as   
happy as that. It could have been earlier than all of that, back to her days as a college student, or even as   
a high schooler. Could this have started way back then and she was just realizing it? Had everything she   
had done in her life been a mistake? Perhaps she had taken the wrong road ten or fifteen years before . .   
. and only now was she beginning to see her mistake.   
  
She hated to think this way. All she had ever wanted she had gotten. At fifteen, she had fallen in   
love with her best friend. Though it was hard, they had managed to stay together. They'd graduated from   
high school together, then college, and then they'd gotten married. They had both gotten the careers they   
wanted; she designed computer software and he was a professional photographer. So, what went wrong?   
  
She sighed as she wiped the steam from the mirror to study her reflection. Nothing had gone   
wrong, she decided. At least, nothing she could put a name to. She had just changed . . . and now she   
didn't know what to do with her life.   
  
Leaving him seemed drastic. After all, she hadn't stopped loving him. She just felt trapped   
sometimes. She was a wife and a mother and a lover and a friend . . . It all seemed to leave very little   
time for her to just be herself. That was what she missed the most; just being her. Hamilton Fleming had   
once been all that she wanted in the world. Now, she wanted more.  
  
What would he do if she told him that she was leaving? Would he try to stop her; try to talk her   
out of it? Or would he let her go and find herself, secure in the knowledge that she loved him enough to   
come back to him? She wondered how she would feel if the situation were reversed.   
  
Maybe she would just leave. She'd kiss him goodbye as he slept, take a last look at little Reagan,   
and just leave. Maybe she'd find what she was missing somewhere in the world she'd never gotten the   
chance to see. She'd come back to him . . . wouldn't she? Of course . . . she loved him. She'd have to   
come back sooner or later.   
  
'He loves me . . . he'll understand,' she told herself as she studied her worried expression in the   
bathroom mirror. Was she really going to do this?  
  
She got dressed and left the bathroom, ready to kiss her lover farewell and disappear without a   
word. The room was still dark when she reentered it, morning having not quite broken yet.   
  
He was still asleep, just as she had left him. Looking down at his sleeping form, she smiled. God,   
she loved him. He was much older now than he'd been the first time she'd seen him, but to her eyes he   
still looked exactly the same. He was still young and beautiful and exciting . . . and he was everything   
she'd ever needed.   
  
Memories flooded back to her as she watched him sleep. She remembered the way her name   
had sounded on his lips the first time that they made love; the way he'd brushed a tear from her cheek on   
their wedding day. She could still recall the meal he'd cooked on their first anniversary and the look of   
tearful awe he'd worn the first time he had held their daughter in his arms. He was still the boy that she'd   
fallen in love with and the man she'd sworn to love forever. How could she ever consider leaving him?   
What kind of life would she have if he weren't in it?  
  
He rolled in his sleep, but didn't wake. Jake smiled softly, ignoring the unshed tears that filled her   
eyes and crawled back into bed beside him. When she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face   
against his neck, he finally awoke. Kissing the top of her head softly as he embraced her, Hamilton said   
softly, "Happy birthday, gorgeous." She didn't respond. "You okay, hon?" he asked, sensing that   
something was bothering her.   
  
"It's nothing," she assured him, not loosening her grip on him in the slightest. "I love you," she   
whispered against his warm, familiar skin.  
  
"I love you, too, baby," he replied, the declaration sounding as though he were simply stating the   
obvious.   
  
After a few more moments of silence he said, "You sure everything's alright?"  
  
"Yeah . . . fine." She was quiet again, then: "Ham, if you were ever . . . unhappy, restless . . .   
you'd tell me . . . wouldn't you? You'd be honest with me . . . if I stopped being enough for you?"  
  
"Baby, you'll always be enough for me," he replied solemnly.  
  
"But, just if, Ham. Just if . . . would you tell me?"  
  
"What's the matter?" he asked in concern.   
  
"Just answer please," she pleaded.   
  
He sighed and said, "Yeah, of course, Jake. I'll always tell you the truth."  
  
She smiled against his pulse, her tears finally spilling over, knowing that he spoke the truth.   
Knowing that he'd never lie to her and he'd never keep anything from her, no matter what.   
  
And knowing for certain that she was right where she belonged. Asleep in his arms.   
  
The End  
  
April 6, 2001  



End file.
